Before I had this blog, I had another one (okay, before that one I had
another one…that first blog is the one I’m talking about). My first blog was, for me, a life saver. Somehow, I discovered who I was by writing on it. I started the blog when I was 21 and kept it until the spring of ’08 (I was 24). Was I young and naïve? At times. But there is so much in there that surprises even the 26 year old version of myself (you know, the older and much wiser version of the melancholic young adult that started writing in the first place). I was reading through some of the old posts just now and I found myself asking that question: …where did I go? Where is the girl that saw monuments in details and then wrote about them? Where is the girl that writes the words God gives her, to point others to him?
The interesting thing about being a writer is that my life has documentation. Sure, not all of it is entirely interesting or even entirely personal. But my days have been documented, nonetheless – and by me. You would think that since I am the writer, I would remember the writing – but in actuality, God gave me writing abilities to make up for my disabled memory function…which is why I can go back and read my old blog and be surprised by the things that I wrote.
So if I loved writing then and found it healing, why did I stop?
But despite the gentle care and constant provision of a lifeline, I still couldn’t get a grip on the confidence of spirit I had before I lost my footing in 08. My momentum was gone.
At the start of 2010, I saw myself most clearly: as a soggy, withering mess. It was like I’d been given a brand new mirror. I looked, reluctantly, and all I saw were the puncture wounds I had tried so hard to ignore. The feeble attempts I had made at patching myself up had all expired, apparently. But the longer I stared, the more I began to see the things reflecting from around me: people, close at hand. Sure, they could see the same faltered girl that I could, but they stayed beside me anyway. It was then I saw most clearly: these people are my life line. 2009 may have been calm, but it was clearly strategic. God was setting up his pieces underneath, so that when I needed it most, I wouldn’t fall over.