Friday, July 16, 2010

quiet summer



You, perhaps, have noticed? My summer has been quiet, at least on here…at least in writing. The soil around the roots underneath my heart has recently gone through a significant upheaval, and a violent washing away. The roots are still intact; but instead of being planted they’re dangling conspicuously in midair (trust me, they look as awkward as you imagine they might). My core beliefs are still my core beliefs; sort of. The things I know are true are still true…for the most part. But essentially, I have recently started to feel like the plant life in my chest cavity: just as bare, and just as unprotected. So as an act of self preservation, I’ve gone into hiding. Sort of. At least, in words. At least until I feel a little less like a shit disturber.

I feel as though I’m being created all over again. As if the rough prototype I was before has been disassembled and left to wait while a New Master Plan is sketched out on the drawing table. But as I’m watching myself be rebuilt, I’m realizing that the New Me is nothing like the Old Me. The New Me is also nothing like the Should Be…and that scares me a bit, but it doesn’t scare me as much as it comforts me – I’ve never fit in anyway. No reason to start now.

The paradigm shifts and perspective switches, at first, felt like a shotgun to the chest; abrupt, surprising, and painful. Now, after a few months’ time, I’ve gotten used to their presence. They’ve become houseguests – I make them tea, chat with them at bedtime, read them stories from my journal. They tuck me in at night. It’s a good relationship. We’re learning each other, and how not to piss each other off.

In the beginning, before my abrupt dismantling, I didn’t know what I knew. Now that I know more, I know less. It’s horribly agitating, but entirely necessary. And as much as I am uncomfortable here, I’m much happier now than I was before. I finally feel like I might possibly be starting to know myself (for real this time); and that, my friends, is a good feeling. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

In the beginning, God created.
I like that part.

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