Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the elusive button

My year has finally begun what feels like a psuedo dénouement. Mainly because my schedule has slowed dramatically, giving me time to have time. My spirit is settling in for the long Season ahead in moccasin boots and soft mittens and comfortable chilly-weather clothing; on a lush green forest floor beside a high outcropping of grey rock. Waiting for the rain, or relief from the rain, or desire for rain, or something. With all this extra non-scheduled time I now have to take time, I'm finally starting to notice that I'm breathing. It's a good feeling.

I spent the better part of 2010 so far, from January to July, in a haze of activity. I would get up in the morning and make it to work and then after work I would go to my other work or to a planned-3-weeks-in-advance activity or social gathering, and then I'd get home late and go to bed. Every single day it was the same, get up early, go out, get back late, bed time, up early, etc. On the weekends I would go to my third place of work and crash, sleep in, do it again, home late, crash sleep, and go to work on Monday. 7 days on, 0 days off. I never slowed, nor allowed myself to crave it. I may have cooked four meals for myself in the entire first half of this year (not including the occasional late night KD binge), although I feel that number is a bit generous.

Running parallel with that purposeful insanity was the shift of every Paradigm (documented - in fractured, ambiguous bits - here). While the movements in my spirit are far from finished (see above: long trudging season ahead), I am now at least aware that they are moving in a good direction. Or at least, in a direction. It's a comfort, somehow, knowing that I'm not entirely lost; my heart's returned chestward. I think. Thank God.

In short, there's been a lot of processing, and a lot of running around like a crazy person, and a lot of dealing-with-it that's been done in the past 6 months alone. I feel like I started in January on the tip-top of a mountain and spent the next 6 or 7 months or so tumbling awkwardly downward. While I know the fall and winter will bring their own particular rockfaced-hill-climbs, I don't have to scale them just yet. I get a reprieve in the form of a two week vacation to Bestfriendville. If all my "valleys" had Best Friends in them, I'd be happier in the valleys than on the hilltops.

So while I escape in a few short days to the hearts of my beloveds, I leave you with this (as I'm not sure how often I'll get the opportunity to write on here). I found it on sonicgypsy....which I suppose means that sonicgypsy found it, and not me at all... Regardless, I invite you to turn up your speakers, tilt your chair back, close your eyes, and take a cleansing breath as you listen. Pause, and rest...and sleep, if you feel so inclined.

(you especially want your speakers UP for the word "bed" in the second verse, 0:55-1:10.
God Himself made that chord up. It's true.)

1 comment:

Mama said...

No words to describe this song....I don't think I know how to rest sometimes....overwhelmed with life too much at other times. I will be listening to this much....
Thank you.