Thursday, March 10, 2011

I left my umbrella at your house; and other useless trivium.

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1. This morning I sprayed hairspray directly into my eye, from a high powered aerosol can, less than six inches away, after my makeup was done. Fearing blindness, I flooded my eye with water, prayed fervently, and started from scratch on the shadow & liner. Much to my chagrin, this wasn’t an acceptable excuse for why I was late to work.

2. Just now, I managed to spill my coffee all the way up my sleeve; from cuff, to shoulder. Talented? Yes.

3. Apples and oranges are to fruit as garbage day and Ikea shopping trips are to February 14.

4. Recently, my roommate’s FiancĂ© remarked with a laugh that I watch too much F.R.I.E.N.D.S. “Listen,” I said, “I don’t have a fiancĂ© to talk to, so I eat my dinner with my show.” I don’t know what made me feel worse; his shrewd observation, or the fact that I have “TV” proudly sitting in the “boyfriend” slot.

5. Last week, I ate a sum total of 10 avocados in a six day period. Blame the sale.

6. In less than two weeks time I have a date with a beautiful man who happens to be one of my favourite musical artists. The room will be full of people, and he will be 20 feet away, on stage, but what I ignore can’t hurt me. I wonder what I should wear?

7. There is always a moment, right before I open my paystub, where I very much believe it is going to be a larger cheque than usual.

8. “My goal is to get healthy,” I said to Candice, with my body reclined on her sofa and my mouth full of Toblerone.

9. Yesterday at work (a particularly slow Wednesday) I was so listless that I decided it would be fun to make a list of all my favourite foods, starting at “A” and ending with “Z”. About halfway through I realized; all I had listed were entire food groups…and avocados.

10. One of life’s hard and fast rules: it will be sunny until you lose your umbrella. Sorry Vancouver; yesterday was my fault.

3 comments:

Mama said...

I laughed out loud, thank you, especially the first 2. And who is the "beautiful man?"

afterthoughtcomposer said...

Ari Hest. He is so good, youtube him!

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5. - you have to eat them before they go bad!!! you have such a short window with that beautiful fruit!!! Never feel bad for engorging on avocados- one time I ate 3 in one day, and I have never regretted it.