Wednesday, April 11, 2012

it's all in your head

I put the eggs on to boil, and set my toaster on the counter. Blood-sugar friendly bread, one slice. Mango jam, and a knife. Salt and pepper at the ready. As I'm standing there in the alleyway of my kitchen, in my housecoat that's actually a second-hand Versace wrap dress, in my perfect second-floor apartment, it hits me: I feel I actually feel it.

A financial adviser once told me, "Poor is a state of mind". Anyone who knows me knows I have debt (for those of you who don't, here's the short version: I was an impatient baby in my early 20's). For many years now I have been trying to erase my financial history. When I heard that statement a few years back, I changed my language, and started calling myself "broke" instead, as the adviser suggested. I didn't want to have a poor state of mind.

Somehow, though, I still felt poor. Or broke. Whatever. The point is, I was unable to see past all of the things I couldn't (and still can't) do. But this morning, as the soft fabric of my robe brushed against my skin, and I let the bright orange jam cheer my senses, I saw in a fresh way all of the things I have oft' taken for granted. Truly, I am doing just fine. Not only to I get to live alone (luxury), sleep and shower at will, and exercise any freedom I want to, I am warm, comfortable, and well-fed. My skin is soft (hard labour? huh?), my hair is clean, and today, like every second Wednesday, is payday.

I have come to realize something about myself. I'm not financially hard-done-by, I'm bad with money. Sure, my younger behaviors have restricted my current liberties, but my current behaviors, to a lesser extent, do the same. "Poor" as a state of mind, and even "broke" as a final reality, are lame excuses for what is often bad money management.


1 comment:

Mama said...

I can just see you in that lovely wrap...

There's such a huge emphasis on this continent on having the biggest, brightest and best. Think of those children you saw in Mexico when you were a teen, playing happily in the dirt, wearing whatever clothes were available on the line in the morning. And the tots picking up the smaller tots when they fell. We don't know what we have. We who have so much are a minority on this planet. And we all have wasted and squandered, most often not even meaning to or wanting to.

I still remember as a young person growing up, wondering why on earth God wouldn't put enough food on the planet to feed everyone. I also remember being totally shocked when I learned that there is more than enough to go around. And yet farmers here were burying tons of imperfect vegetables that were not suitable for market...How I hope that has changed.

I love the picture you chose, she's awesome.

And I, too, am rich in too many ways to count.