pointers, for the month of consumerism and excess

1. When it comes to buying presents, be considerate and diligent in your mental preparation. Think about the recipient in all aspects: what patterns are they drawn to, what do they talk about when it rains, how often do they shower, what is their favorite kind of tea. Other considerations: is this person funny or boring? Does this person wear deodorant? Have I ever seen this person naked? Purchase gift accordingly.

1b. If you have thought and thought but still can't think of anything to get the person, you have two options. One: close your eyes, walk three feet to your left, and pick something up with your left hand. This is their present. Option Two: buy something you like. Depending on your relationship with said recipient, you may be allowed to borrow the item on occasion. Your friend gets to share, and you get to pretend you bought them a great present. It's a win win.

2. There are two secrets to getting through your third helping of turkey dinner alive. Secret number one: grapes. Eat lots and lots of grapes about two hours before dinner, all at once. Do this again an hour before dinner. Your stomach will expand, but you won't be full because grapes digest quickly. Secret number two (that you probably knew already): low waisted pants.

3. When your boss and/or coworkers bombard you with boxes of chocolates in the weeks before the holidays, don't panic. Take them home, careful not to disturb any of the paper (or, if they are unwrapped: wrap them). Make gift tags and give them away as presents, or to your host/hostess when you arrive at dinner. You just saved yourself a whole lot of cash and at least five pounds of angry holiday weight.

4. It is appropriate to attend craft fairs and Christmas markets in search of the perfect present. It is not appropriate to spend all the money you reserved for purchasing gifts at the fair/market on yourself. It is appropriate to spend lots of money on yourself, so long as you continue telling yourself you are "shopping for other people."

5. Remember, if you spend January's paycheck on post-Christmas sales, you did not "save money".