Wednesday, March 12, 2014

love, less cryptically

Pre-breakfast, pre-anything, I feel inspired to tell you: I am in love. Sure, I hinted at it last post, even showed a picture of the ring (gasp! I know right!). But I didn't say it outright. Since this is my mountaintop, I'm going to shout it here: I am in love, and it is good.

The funny thing about love is that you often feel you're at the height of it, even when there's so much more to show. After our first date (yes, it was that quick for me) I thought to myself, "Uh-oh" because something was up. In the following days & dates, I felt as though the intensity of my feelings for this man would absolutely kill me. Time wore on, but real love grew: first as a sprout (oh! what a sprout!), then a stem (a brilliant stem!), then the roots came (such roots! such marvelous roots!). Like any growing thing, water and heat forced us upward, pushed our roots into the earth, bound us together. The weather in our world only wound our hands, arms, and hearts a little closer. If the sun came out, we basked; if the rains came, we built shelter. Through everything, though, we stayed together, talked it out, learned to keep our hearts light in the midst of it. Habits formed early, patterns that stick.

Pre-engagement, pre-ring, I thought I had hit the height of it. I knew I'd marry the man. I'd known for a long time, in fact, and wanted to for longer. I loved him to the max of love, to the utmost. And then, he proposed, I said yes, we got engaged. Something about that forever thing opened chasms I'd not yet known existed. I love you even more than I did yesterday? I do, in fact. Every day brings another layer, another reason, another tuning of our hearts. Every day I love him to the height of love, and it feels a little silly. Good silly. Wonderful silly.

It feels silly because of all those times I worried and waxed poetic about loneliness. It feels silly because the day before him was the day I'd come to peace with, and actually desired, a lifetime of solitude. It feels silly because he's not what I expected, but everything I wanted, and every thing I didn't know I needed. The thing is, we're tailor-made, perfectly matched, two halves of the same whole. It feels silly if silly is ridiculous peace, soul-deep joy, wholehearted, triple-felt, absolute bliss. That bubble of laughter that rises up from your belly in the best moment: this is what our love feels like. I love him to the height of it, & I'll love him more tomorrow.

photo source


Denée said...

"Pre-engagement, pre-ring, I thought I had hit the height of it." This statement actually did make me laugh out loud; because I knew what was coming next. I remember the day after saying, "Yes!" I remember how different and wonderful and strong everything felt. I remember wondering if I would ever feel normal again. I remember worrying my heart wouldn't be able to handle the sudden overload of intensity.

Six years later, my heart has grown to comfortably handle all of that extra emotion. I still have many moments when the intensity hits again and it almost hurts; but I will never forget the enormity of the days following his proposal.

Congratulations! And, thank you for making me remember.

afterthoughtcomposer said...

Denee! :) I love it! It is the best, isn't it! It was so cool to read your comment, I relate to so much of it & that made my heart happy.

I loved reading about your "Six years later." Looking forward. Thank *you* for that :)


Shenelle said...

Love your story! I think the intensity of 'the day after' comes a bit from KNOWING this amazing love now belongs to you for good forever! It's great!
Congrats! I'm very excited for you!

Mama said...

Just what I've always wanted......sigh. Love you.