Monday, December 8, 2014

seriously considering alcoholism

I probably don't mean that. I probably mean that I'd like an easy form of escape. The title's suggestion is not truly easy, and I know that, but it does take less time to drink a drink than it does to nap, go on vacation, watch a whole TV series, eat an ice cream cake. But I should be clear, since certain people I know will print this out and bring it to their lawyer as PROOF SHE'S A TERRIBLE MOTHER/WIFE/HUMAN BECAUSE LOOK WHAT SHE WROTE ON HER BLOG: I'm just kidding about the alcoholism.

In a time of life where Life is unrelentingly busy and I can't stop it, where the perverted, maniacal little clowns keep throwing shit in the fan and aiming it right at my face, and The Great Doctor feels it necessary to dump all of the salt in my raw, raw, wounds: tell me why the sermon was about rest and peace, and how those who receive the two are under the favor of God and those who do not receive them are not in the favor of God. Dear Jesus, do you really think I needed to feel abandoned about something else?

I digress. Jesus has it out for my sanity. He has a serious hate-on for my comfort zones, boundary lines, requests for progression, positive feelings about humanity. He continually turns my sweet, healing water into acid (for the record, I'm the one who turns that acid into whine).

The problem is, you can't love God and people and wear a protective sleeve over your heart. It doesn't work that way. You can either be gracious through the pain, or set the boundary for next time. You can either be honest about your love, or lie to protect yourself. Self-preservation and generosity of spirit don't mix. In fact, self-preservation doesn't mix with anything, except bitterness, greed, nashing teeth, haphazard soap-box construction, and confessional booths I make myself, wherein I try to hear God over my reactions.

I guess I'm waiting for something more than a whisper. Threads are hard to hold on to. Where are the grand gestures, winds of change, holy fire-pillars, parting seas? Where are the angels with messages just for me? They're in a book, on a page, and even there, I can not find them.

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