Author. Singer. Artist. Illustrator. Creative. Organized. Fashionable. Bright. Interesting. Funny. Magnetic. Enough. Multi-talented. Prolific. Wise. Comforting. Cool. Popular. Sharp. Together. With-it. Successful. Confident. Warm-blooded. Big-boobed. Better. Musical. Attractive. Instrumentalist. Composer. Seat-filler. Stage-taker. Accomplished. Connected. Satisfied. Aware. Far-reaching. Effortless. Approachable. Entrepreneurial. Tidy. Hospitable. Outgoing. Famous. Recluse. Mover. Shaker. Reader. Writer. Driver. Counsellor. Psychologist. Expert. Student. Owner. Buyer. Teacher. Teachable. Sought. Chased. Settled. Alone. Married. Mother. Barren. Single. Solitudious. Studious. Free. Traveller. Climber. Dreamer. Planner. Brave. Strong. Gutsy. Helper. Handy. Nanny. Maid. Athlete. Equestrian. Farmer. Ballerina. Beach-bum. Librarian. Lawyer. Advocate. Rescuer. Stewardess. Model. Photographer. Assistant. VIP. Cook. Graceful. Gracious. Kind. Expectant. Waitress. Hostess. Bartender. Patron. Served. Activist. Adopter. Forgiving. Choclatier. Shopgirl. Dressmaker. Groomer. Walker. Stylist. Designer. Mascot. Vanna. Anonymous. Runner. Chaser. Tester. Candlemaker. Baker. Taster. Critic. Babysitter. Baby-holder. Hand-holder. Cheerleader. Go-getter. Team-leader. Bookish. Outdoorsy. Guide. Snowboarder. Hiker. Housekeeper. Housewife. Midwife. Friend. Chosen. Inspirational. Pushy. Compassionate. Memorable. Knowledgeable. Happy. Spiritual. Calm. Quieted. Ready. Good. Steady. Unwavering. Healthy. Quick. Lush. Responsible. Motivated. Open. Esteemed. Respected. Relaxed. Brilliant. Invited. Speaker. Listener. Seamstress. Landscaper. Gardener. Fruit-picker. Sun-bather. Swimmer. Lifeguard. Saved. Unaffected. Broken. Taught. Held. Kept. Remembered. Treated. Treasured. Photographed. Left. Forgotten. Freed. Seen. Thanked. Helped. Reminded. Heard. Flown. Visited. Trusted. Taken. Called. Picked. Unnoticed. Caught. Loved.
It didn't really take me long to write that list. Actually, I think I missed some. There were times I ventured, by thought and research, into the fields of forestry, mechanics, and I could list more if I tried. As I sit here & examine the facets of each - some repeat, tied together by subject matter or cause, some oppose the others, most are merely traits of decent humanity - I wonder if I've ever truly been happy with who, and what, I am. Or have I spent my life searching for another option? "A different version of me, please." I find I've been praying for God to crack the lid off my life, in a sense. It is exhausting to live with this many unfulfilled interests. It is bananas* that I've legitimately thought about such a myriad of hobbies, professions, outcomes and character traits. I contradict myself. I believe it is good to contradict yourself once in awhile, but so often? Perhaps not.
I feel everything with the whole of me, or I feel nothing at all. I can not middle-ground my emotions, for long. I want to be good at everything and find, instead, I am truly good at very little. I should lower my expectations, perhaps, on myself and on life. It would be easier if Idealism was something I read about, rather than something I experience every single day. Idealism looks beautiful, and is romantic to write about, but it hurts, always, eventually: life is so good, but it isn't ideal. I don't mean to leave this on a downward note. I am attempting realism.
I've got killer intuition and I don't know what it's good for. I've got a thousand interests and one hobby. I'm hoping for perfection and missing by miles. I'm learning to cook, I'm learning to balance, I'm learning self-discipline, and learning to forgive the missteps in every attempt. Most of all, I am trying to learn who I really am.
*bananas = when you have children, you use silly words.