Wednesday, December 2, 2015

every time you erase the word

Kids say the darnedest things. So, as it turns out, does their homework. I've heard child therapists will use methods like drawing and playtime to help the children express their truest feelings. I can see why. I've learned things from her barbies that would break your heart, surprise you, delight you; things you'd never know otherwise. Now, her school papers do the talking.

From my experience and understanding, children who live in a split situation are incredibly unique, and carry with them a skill-set not necessarily given to those in solitary households. In our case, my step-daughter can read a room, a face, a tone-of-voice, like no one I've met before. But, as I've learned, she has to. It's become her instinct. She has a high degree of interest in maintaining and practicing this ability, too. After all, this skill enables her survival.

So, when feedback comes in the form of homework, interpretation becomes difficult. Professions of love erased, or specifically avoided, are either true, or not true. Perhaps that sounds too obvious. Everything could be said to be true or not true, so why does it matter here? Because truth is the thing that makes her world so difficult to navigate; and thus, our understanding of her world. Murkiness is the other thing that helps her ease the pressure. She can not get in trouble for loving me, if she doesn't actually write it down. That picture of a woman who looks like me saying the thing I said last week is actually of "no one, really," and that kid in the picture saying a beautiful word which has been hastily erased, well, it means she's kept her heart safe for another cycle. At least, that's the hope.

This is all too much information, I'm sure. This year has brought much hardship and admittedly, I am afraid to write about it. Because if I write it down, it happened. So I stay quiet, avoid my blog and office, and go elsewhere. But I've been peeking ahead at the ever changing leaves and it
looks like they require something different. Like our darling, life gets a little easier if I don't write the truth down on paper. Murkiness is the thing that helps me deal with the things I'd rather not stand up against.

But, I've been learning, fear is no way to live. If I write down a word you've been longing to hear, Lord, I promise, I will not erase it.


1 comment:

Mama said...

We need to remember (speaking to myself, too, of course) that God is the Redeemer, the Fixer, the Healer, the Mender, the Changer. We can do nothing aside from Him and although we want desperately to change or fix a situation or a person, we cannot. We hurt ourselves trying. Dump it all into His lap. No fear.