Saturday, May 21, 2011

welcome to the last day of your life

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...no, I don't believe that today is the last day of the world as we know it. But of course, the hype and the humor surrounding the hype have got me thinking: what if it really was our last day?

As I have considered the idea of what it would be like to know it was our last day on this planet, I have realized that I wouldn't really do much to change my plans. I wouldn't run frantically to the airport for a last trip, I wouldn't empty my bank account, I wouldn't phone everyone I know. It's not because I know exactly what to expect when I die, and it's not because I'm regretless; it's because I'm not afraid of death (sorry, religious groups). I have discovered a profound truth in recent years: I am pleased with my life. Sure, there's been difficulty (most of it brought on by yours truly, fyi); and there's been sadness and misunderstanding and grief. But there's also been beauty, grace, joy, laughs and giggles, and the marvelous adventure found in the unknown and every day. My life so far has been lived to the fullest extent of the opportunities I've been given; and for that I am grateful. I haven't had the most brilliant life, but it has been brilliant enough for me.

So, Overzealous Religious Group, bring on your theories. I will not succumb to fear. Do you know why? Because I do not have anything to be afraid of. My faith is quieter than your faith and less prone to fear mongering, and I am okay with that. I can't pretend to know God (because who can truly know Him?), and I won't say I have figured out the end (or even the middle or the beginning) - because I haven't - but what I know is this: life on earth is beautiful because it is life; and I expect death to be no less purposeful. So, on second thought, you can keep your theories to yourself.

Should we herd people to our beliefs like overwrought cattle? No, I don't believe we should. We all have better things to do with our time, and I certainly have better things to do with my 'last hours' than to watch you walk around with your hastily constructed poster-board; things like laundry, perhaps, or wild attempts at organization in a room filled with boxes; and of course, there's always kissing. That's a pretty good way to end a world.

See you in the morning.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

love and incidentals

My thoughts today are filled with the awareness of how quickly life can change; how really, life is more beautiful and interesting (oh, so interesting!) than we sometimes give it credit for. More to come - I'm still processing. For now, I had to share this Incidental Comic. Those with a fondness for fonts will enjoy it best. I laughed out loud.

ps. I have not forgotten the pie. I will tell you all about the crappiness of my attempt... soon.


Monday, May 16, 2011

picking my outfit for the end of the world.

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Dear Jesus,

I have it on unreliable authority that you're coming for a visit this weekend? If you do come, this means you'll get to see my new shoes close up; they're so lovely. I'm picking them because I think they'll go quite nicely with Heaven, what with their eyelets and floral printing and overall whimsical nature. They're comfortable too - perfect for cloud dancing (if I could be so bold as to ask for a cloud dance with you).

I was thinking, if I get raptured, can you make sure to do it while I'm  not driving? I'd hate for my car to veer off the road like that and hit someone; although I'm guessing you've thought these things through in advance. You are God after all, and from what I understand you have these things in your control; that, you know, I don't really need to worry.

There are so many things I want to talk to you about. I  hope that with all those extra people arriving in Heaven that day, you'll still have time for me. Should I book an appointment? Or will you recognize me when I get there? Just look for the girl with the uncertain-I-should-be-here look on her face. Oh, and I'll be wearing those shoes. You can just look for those if you want to.


love,
ashley

ps. I just talked to Anita, and she would prefer it if you waited to come back until after the concert.
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Friday, May 13, 2011

of underarms and perfume samples.

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I just realized a short while ago that I forgot to put on deodorant this morning.
…how did I realize? I wondered what that smell was.
Turns out, that smell was me.
Easy remedy: quick jaunt to drugstore across the way to purchase emergency bar of deodorant. While there, feign interest in perfume, ask for samples. Leave the building to the privacy of vehicle. Place now-fragrant sample cards into bra-sides directly beneath the underarm area. Return to work, spend the rest of the day smelling half like Calvin Klein’s Euphoria and half like SJP’s Lovely. Compromise womanly mystery by posting this story on the internet.







Thursday, May 12, 2011

misquote, diversion

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So, apparently when I said "tomorrow", I meant "whenever I get around to it."  Coming soon: the tale of the  pie failure. (did I just ruin the suprise?)

In the meantime, entertain yourself with this:

I believe my EXACT quote during the royal wedding was,
“Wow. It’s like a real life version of the ugly stepsisters.”
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Monday, May 9, 2011

pie and taxes

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It just so happens that my beautiful friend is my beautiful accountant is letting me pay her this year in the form of strawberry pie. After some schedule coordination, it was decided that tonight would be the night I would make it for her.


I really love to make: pie
On the shortlist of foods I could live off of with ease: pie
The best things in life are: pie

(my imaginative food-loving head is including “anything lined with pastry”, FYI).

Anyway, as if my evening wasn’t fun enough, guess what! A challenge has been put forward, via the good folks over at A Michelin and a Mom. What I understand of the challenge is this: I will make a strawberry pie and document the process and results, using photos and my rapier wit. Then, Mr Chef will do the same. My brain’s been spinning since this morning, figuring out how to make a pie better than a professional chef.
Good luck Ashley.

Results tomorrow.


(don’t worry Lavonne, I’m making more than one pie – one for you, and one for me the challenge. After all, what’s a pie challenge without a taste test?)
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Friday, May 6, 2011

ashley, that's disgusting.

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I'm sorry, I didn't mean to smit all over you.

I admit; I’m feeling the pressure these days to write something of consequence on here; it’s certainly been awhile since I formed a whole and meaningful thought driven post, hasn’t it? It might take awhile longer, too: at current, I’m sitting at my desk, composing some more bad drawings; trying to figure out how to make Manfriend a stickman without making him look wimpy and girlish. I drew a little five o’clock shadow; that helped. Call me crazy, but I actually think it looks like him.


What have I been thinking about lately? A million things: politics, personal futures, career goals, faith and of course: world peace. But the trouble with being an afterthought composer is that really: my most conclusive thoughts usually come…after. I expect that at some point, I’ll discover some new form of intelligent life in my head, but for now I hope you can bear with me as I settle into a life that is rapidly becoming unsettled (and in the same speed: becoming wildly exciting - even the question marks are bedazzled).

So while I sit over here and put hearts-in-the-form-of-cartoon-men onto the page, why don’t you go read this blog and regain your sense of Blog Reading Purpose? Recently discovered. As a wannabe Foodie, I am a huge fan. This blog is simply delicious.


uh, YUM.

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

350, bitches.

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At my job this morning, I noticed (as I do every year around this time - which adds to the pleasure) the mass amounts of obvious mistakes I made at Year End last year. I then revelled in the gloriousness of how cool it is to realize you are in the completely wrong occupation and haven't a hot clue what to do with your life. To celebrate my accomplishments as both an employee and an adult, I went to the store and bought a bag of FudgeeO’s, and dove in quite promptly.


A few hours later, I realized that my next blog post would be my 350th. Looks like I have another reason to celebrate today.

Happy I Make a Lot of Mistakes But I am Still Awesome or At Least I Pretend To Be day.


"ALL": I could be exaggerating.



**I should clarify: I don't think you are a bitch. In fact, I think you are quite lovely and hope to have tea with you one day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

If I had been drinking milk, I would have spat it out.

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Saw this yesterday. Laughed out loud. Considered switching continents.

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Monday, May 2, 2011

fra.gments

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In the past 40 days, I have packed, packed some more, business-tripped, moved, road-tripped, and vacationed. I also dined, visited, jogged, danced, sang, cheered, and picked up a manfriend along the way. Bring on the unpacking: bring on living in a room full of boxes. I’ve seen changes at work and lost access to my favourite home and been welcomed into a new one. I have no consistent thoughts after all this busyness. What you get are fragments.
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one. My life is a circus, only not in the sexy way like Britney’s life –more in the “funhouse mirrors reflect my inner sanctum quite accurately” kind of way.

two. I had a dream last week that I had a staring contest with a bear and won. Take that, fictitious woodland creature.

three. Strangers on a plane will make fun of you, so long as they don’t realize it’s you they’re mocking. God bless Canadian Politeness.

four. I got more stressed out during last night’s episode of “Cupcake Wars” than I did during my college finals  my entire educational experience combined. But then, I was paying more attention to the details last night, which could be why.

five. Stuff. It seems important, until you have to move it all and store it all and stare at it all day. Love affair with Craigslist: commencing.

six. A spider is only as big as your lack of defences. Right?

seven. The phrase “I miss you” is about as useful as one stitch on a gaping flesh wound.

eight. 63 unread emails, an overflowing inbox, pending requests from management, and a box of unprocessed files where your chair should be. Welcome back from Vacation. Signed: Monday Morning.

nine. Can’t find your alarm clock? Get yourself a toddler, instead.

ten. I’ve often made gentle fun of those “normal” heart-shaped-eye-people that stare longingly at calendars, count days, and sigh from morning to night. Turns out, I’m normal. What a sweet tasting disappointment.
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today's brilliant quote

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 "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

Martin Luther King Jr.

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